As a fifth uncompleted pregnancy loss racked Kelsi Cole’s body, she realized she likely would never bear another child. Her firstborn would be her last.

The loss of her 18-week-old son Lennox in April 2020 — during COVID-19 lockdowns — took a weighty toll on her mental and emotional strength.

She wanted to howl like the cry of a newborn but instead was silenced by shock and numbness yet another time.

“It was the most painful of all my losses,” Cole said. “I was beyond angry at God that he would allow us to go through it again,” she said. “I questioned my faith, the ministry I helped start and my future. I felt abandoned by God.”

After intensive counseling, Cole said she let Jesus back into her heart and felt his heart for her suffering.

“Even in the midst of recurring loss and so much heartbreak, I battled out my emotions and grief with Jesus, and he showed himself faithful — ready to pick up the mess of it all,” Cole said. “His character, nature and love for us never change, even when our circumstances do.”

And with the help of other women who went through similar horrors, Cole overcame what seemed like unimaginable cruelty in losing five babies in 10 years, ranging in age from a few weeks in utero until near delivery.

“We want women and men to know they’re not alone,” she said. “Unfortunately it’s kind of like a club that you never wanted to join, yet you’re so grateful you are a part of when you need that support.”

The ministry she and her friend Alyson Brown, who walked the same sad path in losing her daughter, Cora Belle Brown, in 2018 at 38 weeks of gestation, has grown in the five years since the pair started it after they gave birth to stillborn children.

Their organization, Foreknown Ministries, will hold its second annual statewide Wave of Light event, from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on Saturday, Oct. 14, outdoors on the lawn of Focus on the Family, 8605 Explorer Drive, in Colorado Springs.

Families and friends of babies lost to pregnancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or infant loss of any kind are invited to remember and honor the young souls who departed Earth before they had a chance to begin their lives.

The event is free and open to the public, but participants are asked to register at www.coloradowaveoflight.com.

The evening starts with a remembrance walk or stroll. “We will walk together in solidarity with one another,” Cole said.

Lost babies’ names will be listed and read aloud, with attendees surrounded by 100 large memorial light clusters made up of 50,000 small blue, pink and white lights.

“People start to feel the emotion as soon as they see the lights because they know the lights represent a baby that has been lost,” Cole said.

Last year’s Wave of Light drew more than 200 people to Glen Eyrie Castle.

This year’s event is being hosted by Focus on the Family, a Christian communications organization that provides initial counseling and direction for all kinds of issues, including miscarriage and infant loss.

Focus is not connected to Foreknown Ministries but shares a kinship in mission, said Robyn Chambers, vice president of Focus’ Advocacy for Children division, which promotes sanctity of life work and includes foster care and adoption programs.

“The baby’s life was valuable, even though it was for a really short period of time,” she said. “We want women to grieve appropriately and find healing, and to know they’re not alone. We’re walking with you.”

The event is the only in-person one of its kind in Colorado, Cole said, and is held during October’s national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Although 1 in 4 women undergo pregnancy loss, women historically have lived in a shadow of shame, guilt and doubt, and often are reluctant to talk about their experiences, Cole said.

Cole and Brown started Foreknown Ministries in 2018, after they lost their children just two weeks shy of delivery and found limited resources.

The organization is “meant to be a beacon of hope for parents who have been through pregnancy or infant loss like ourselves,” Cole said.

Foreknown Ministries provides weekend retreats, monthly support groups for women and men, a text line for immediate connection, and other assistance.

“If we can break the stigma of openly talking about this, offering hope to parents who’ve been through it in a community of support, it can change the trajectory of people’s future,” Cole said. “We never want anyone to suffer in silence.”

Through its website and services, the organization reached nearly half a million people worldwide last year, she said, including influencing the healing of 76,000 people and personally working with 144 people.

Contact the writer: 719-476-1656.

A group at last year’s first Wave of Light event to remember and honor babies lost during pregnancy and as infants support one another at a lighted memorial cluster. This year’s event is 6-8 p.m. Saturday, Oct. 14, on the lawn at Focus on the Family.

Courtesy photo

More than 200 attended last year’s first Wave of Light event presented by Foreknown Ministries in Colorado Springs, to honor babies lost to miscarriage, pregnancy complications, stillbirth and abortion.

Courtesy photoPregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness MonthLuminousLightStudio.com