Published: August 5, 2013
A man I work with is going through a divorce, and I have been lending him my shoulder to cry on. We have become friends and he wants to date me. I told him I don't date married men and I think he still needs time to heal.
His divorce will be final in a few weeks, and he wants me to commit to a five-day trip with him as soon as it is. He has made all the arrangements at a very nice resort, and he insists on paying for everything. I need to make a decision in the next two weeks so he can book it. I want to say yes, but my gut feeling keeps telling me no.
Should I just go and see what happens? It seems like a dream vacation, but I'm not sure.
Dear Not Sure,
Pay attention to your gut feelings. He is not even divorced, and it is highly unlikely that he is emotionally available to begin a new relationship. You are right - he needs time to heal. I would encourage you to keep this relationship on a friendship basis, and I hate to tell you what the statistics are for being the rebound relationship.
A five-day trip far away from home with him as soon as the divorce is final is a very bad idea. My guess is as soon as you get serious about him, he will tell you he needs to date other ladies and explore his options. If you are going for the fun of the trip, I would make it a shorter trip closer to home. I also would encourage you to consider the consequences of dating someone in your work environment.
When I got married, I thought my wife and I were on the same page as far as having children. Four years later and having heard every excuse in the book as to why it was not a good time to have a baby, she told me she does not want to have children. After some discussion, she agreed to have "it" if I will take care of "it". She wants to continue in her career and she wants me to be a stay-at-home dad. I can do that, but I feel like I am bribing her to have a child. I know I want kids, ideally at least two.
Dear Want to be Dad,
What we have here is an incompatible long-term goal. You want children, but she doesn't. Either she wasn't honest with you in the beginning or she changed her mind. You should think long and hard about having a baby under these circumstances. The fact that she refers to a baby as "it" and you put "it" in quotations indicates that you get the message. I would recommend you see a professional counselor together.
Donna Shugrue owns Perfectly Matched. Her column runs biweekly in Family. Email questions to email@example.com or visit perfectlymatcheddating.com.