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Dear Donna: Man might not be emotionally available for relationship

By: Donna Shugrue Special to The Gazette
March 14, 2016 Updated: March 14, 2016 at 12:33 pm
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photo - Donna Shugrue
Donna Shugrue 

Dear Donna,

At Christmastime, I had dinner and saw a movie with a gentleman who lost his wife 11 months earlier. We had nice discussions on five occasions. He then drove his motor home to Arizona for the winter.

I am in my early 70s, retired and work for a financial company during tax season. He also had a tax business, so he knows how demanding it can be. But he emailed me and called me daily.

When a busy work schedule kept me from returning a phone call, he left a message telling me I was a terrible person for not returning his call. He also said he had planned on me traveling with him and now the relationship was over and he would not call me again.

But he now emails and calls again and is very pleasant. I do not understand his position. Is he controlling, lonely or a person that I should very quickly disconnect from? - Susan

Dear Susan,

I am a believer in giving someone a second chance unless they have done something unforgivable. This man is likely still grieving and trying to find his way without his spouse. His phone call was rude and inappropriate, and you should let him know how it made you feel and give him a chance to explain.

If you feel it will be too uncomfortable for you to reconnect, don't do it. When clients are on the fence about whether they should see someone again, I ask this: "Would you look forward to seeing him again?"

If you do reconnect, I would encourage you to look at this as only a friendship. He is likely not emotionally available to begin a relationship.

Dear Donna,

I dated a lady for about two months and thought everything was going great. From the start she was affectionate toward me, holding my hand, kissing my neck and in general being very touchy-feely. All of our dates included expensive dinners, which I was happy to pay for because I enjoyed her company.

On our last date, I asked her if she would like to take a trip. She started crying and telling me she was still upset over her last boyfriend and did not feel a real chemistry with me. I feel like a fool. Why would she be so affectionate if she does not feel a chemistry? - Chuck

Dear Chuck,

Most people aren't touchy-feely if they don't feel a chemistry. The fact that she was that way is a clue that she might be a player or maybe she just enjoyed the company and nice dinners.

In the future, I would encourage you to not invest in expensive dates until you get to know someone better. And try not to feel like a fool; it happens to the best of us.

-

Shugrue owns Perfectly Matched. Her column runs biweekly in Home and Family. Visit

perfectlymatched dating.com or email

questions to donnashugrue@comcast.net.

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