Dear Donna: Friend's referral might deserve second chance

By: Donna Shugrue Special to The Gazette
June 24, 2013

Dear Donna,

A friend introduced me to a friend of hers she thought I should meet. We had a great phone conversation and I was looking forward to meeting him until he presumed to show up at my business the next day unexpected, and with flowers. I was shocked and uncomfortable but tried to make the best of it.

After a few minutes, I told him I had to get back to work. I called my friend and told her that I didn't want to see him again and that his actions were inappropriate. She thinks I'm overreacting and assures me she knows him well and he's a really nice guy. What do you think? - Monica

Dear Monica,

I agree with you - his actions were presumptuous and inappropriate. However, because he was referred to you by a friend who assures you he's a really nice guy, you might want to cut him some slack. Maybe he is new to dating and thought bringing you flowers to your office was a good idea. Maybe he has boundary issues.

If you're attracted to him, it might be worth it to meet with him briefly for a cup of coffee and explain that it was awkward to have him unexpectedly show up at your place of business and see how he responds. If you aren't attracted to him, you likely wouldn't want to pursue it. In that case, ask your friend to tell him you're not interested.

Dear Donna,

My girlfriend frequently says rude and insensitive things. When I get upset, she tells me she was kidding or that I can't take a joke. She has nothing nice to say about any of the men she's had relationships with - they're all jerks, losers, cheaters and idiots. She tells me I am the only nice man she has dated and she loves me. She is a very pretty lady and can be sweet when she wants to be, but her constant kidding is getting me down.

Do you think she will stop doing it if we stay together and she realizes I'm not like all the other men she's dated? I'm hoping she will.

Dear Hoping,

No, I think she will be adding one more adjective to her list, telling her next boyfriend that all of the men she's dated were jerks, losers, cheaters, idiots and wimps. What is the one common denominator in all of her relationships? Her!

The "kidding" is verbal abuse. If she loves you, she wouldn't say hurtful things. This is not something your niceness can change, no matter how long you stay together. I think the only chance you have of being happy in this relationship is to demand that she treats you respectfully. If she doesn't, be ready to end it.


Donna Shugrue owns Perfectly Matched. Her column runs biweekly

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