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7 reasons not to compliment someone on weight loss - and what to say instead

By: Carrie Dennett The Washington Post
June 12, 2018 Updated: June 12, 2018 at 9:33 am
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Cropped image of woman feet standing on weigh scales, on gray background. A tape measure in the foreground

It's a compliment that rolls easily off the tongue: "You look great. . . . You've lost weight!" While some people welcome such observations, it's better for several reasons to take a different approach when you're tempted to praise someone's weight loss.

- They might be ill or experiencing a crisis.

Because thinness is valued in our society, the assumption is that weight loss is intentional and healthful. But that's not always the case. Unintended weight loss is an early sign of several forms of cancer, including prostate, ovarian, lung, pancreatic and colorectal, according to recent research funded by the National Institutes of Health and published in the British Journal of General Practice.

Also, while many people respond to intense stress and anxiety by eating, others have the opposite reaction. Part of the body's normal "fight, flight or freeze" response is to shut down digestion. That noticeably thinner co-worker could be coping with a personal crisis - a painful divorce, a serious illness in the family - and losing weight unintentionally. If you are not privy to that information and offer what seems like an innocent compliment, you may add to their pain.

- They might have an eating disorder.

In her 2015 book "Body of Truth," Harriet Brown writes about how women would approach her then-14-year-old, praise her thin body and ask for diet tips. That's not appropriate in any circumstance, but it was especially unfortunate in this case. The girl was grappling with anorexia nervosa, which severely threatened her health.

Weight loss compliments can be problematic for someone recovering from anorexia or bulimia nervosa, another life-threatening eating disorder characterized by binging and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting. Although anorexia is complex and multifaceted, one factor that can encourage progression of the disease is positive reinforcement. By praising someone for losing weight when they have anorexia, you are rewarding them for a behavior that could kill them.

And you can't tell who has an eating disorder by looking at them. People of all body sizes can have anorexia. "Atypical anorexia" refers to people who severely restrict food but are not low-weight.

- They might have a history of trauma.

In many ways, people are made to feel that their bodies are not their own, or worse, are to blame for bad things that happened to them. People who suffer childhood sexual or physical abuse, or unwelcome attention to their changing bodies during puberty, might feel shame and guilt and might avoid calling attention to their bodies for decades. Several adult patients who lost weight because of better self-care - improving sleep, reducing stress, eating on a regular schedule and moving more - dropped their new habits when they got a well-meaning comment because they were so uncomfortable about the focus on their bodies.

- Body comments might be inappropriate or unappreciated.

In the age of #MeToo, unsolicited comments about anyone's looks are a bad idea, especially in the workplace. And this goes no matter who is making them. A woman told a story about a female colleague, to whom she had never spoken, passing by her desk and saying, "You look great. Have you lost a ton of weight?" As my colleague had not lost weight, this was probably a case of mistaken identity. Still, she felt it deeply inappropriate for someone to comment on her body in the workplace.

- It's a backhanded compliment.

The implication of "You look great. . . . Have you lost weight?" - no matter the intention - is that you didn't look good before. Given that most people who lose weight gain at least some of it back, how are they going to feel when that happens? Along those lines . . .

- It might not be true.

Complimenting someone on nonexistent weight loss may cause them to question their appearance, wondering if their clothing choices have been unflattering, their posture that bad, their demeanor downtrodden.

- This is a full-fledged human being, not just a body.

I don't know who coined the phrase, but we are more than our Earth suits.

Bodies - especially women's bodies - too often are treated as fair game for discussion and commentary. Comments such as "Have you lost weight?" are not much different from catcalls on the street or a stranger feeling they have license to touch a women's stomach because she's visibly pregnant.

Each person deserves body autonomy, and that includes not having their body be a topic of discussion unless they indicate such a discussion is welcome.

- What to say instead

Fortunately, there are many ways to be kind, pay a compliment or initiate a conversation. Tell a friend how nice it is to see them. Compliment a co-worker or acquaintance on their style ("Great scarf"). Or pair a "How are you?" with a "You look really happy" or "You seem super energetic today."

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